Learning to live with more love than pain: Luke’s story
Luke* was referred to Sonder’s Northern Adelaide Medicare Mental Health Centre by his GP for support with symptoms of depression.
On paper, the referral looked relatively straightforward. In reality, Luke was carrying something much heavier.
For years, he had lived with symptoms of depression that seemed to return again and again, each episode harder to recover from than the last. He was struggling with suicidal thoughts, intrusive thinking, anxiety, social withdrawal, and relentless self-criticism. His relationship was suffering, work felt overwhelming, and even everyday tasks were becoming difficult.
What neither Luke nor his GP fully realised at the time was that beneath the depression sat a profound grief: the loss of his infant daughter.
Through suicide prevention and psychological therapy services, Luke began the difficult process of understanding his grief, reconnecting with his daughter’s memory, and learning how to move forward without leaving her behind.
Addressing the depression
“I just couldn’t handle life,” he said. “I had a defeatist attitude. I always felt like ‘what’s the point?’”.
Through the Northern Adelaide Medicare Mental Health Centre, Luke was able to speak openly about his suicidal thoughts and develop a practical safety plan. This included coping strategies, reasons to keep going, and crisis support options.
From there, Luke began working with Gabriella, Mental Health Clinical Intern.
A key focus of therapy was helping Luke understand his emotions and recognise the impact of his inner critic. The messages he repeated to himself were harsh and unforgiving:
“People don’t want to listen to my side.”
“People think I’m a lazy idiot.”
“I’m helpless and powerless.”
“I’m disappointed in myself.”
Over time, Luke began replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. This new mindset also became a tool Luke used to show care for those around him. In one recent session, Luke shared that when he heard someone else speaking harshly about themselves, he asked them, “Would you speak to your mate like that?”. It was a question he had learned to ask himself, too.
Making space for grief
“At first, Luke didn’t identify grief as the main issue,” Gabriella said. “He knew he was living with depression and thought he was struggling with anger. But as we explored those feelings, it became clear that anger wasn’t the core issue. It was grief.”
Gabriella’s special interest in grief helped create a safe space for Luke to slowly explore what he had been carrying: although the death of his daughter had affected every part of his life, Luke had rarely spoken openly about it.
His relationship with his partner was under strain. Family connections had become difficult. He had withdrawn from friends. Even visiting his newborn niece felt too painful, but he didn’t know how to explain this to his sister, so he pulled away instead.
With Gabriella’s support, Luke began exploring his grief in a safe and supportive environment.
After his first dedicated grief-focused session, he described feeling a sense of relief. The intrusive thoughts and painful memories that had consumed him began to ease.
“Grief therapy isn’t about getting over the death of someone you love,” Gabriella said. “It’s about finding a way to continue loving them while also continuing to live.”
The butterfly as a symbol
Before their daughter was born, Luke and his partner had decorated her nursery with butterflies.
In therapy, the butterfly became a powerful symbol of connection, helping Luke reconnect with the love, hope, and excitement he had felt while preparing to become a parent.
He began finding meaningful ways to honour his daughter’s memory: keeping a teddy he bought her, placing butterfly figurines on his desk, taking photos of things that reminded him of her, and planning to visit the Adelaide Botanic Gardens – a place had had once imagined sharing with her.
After one therapy session where Luke and Gabriella discussed the butterfly as a symbol of connection, Luke’s partner discovered a monarch butterfly on a path and brought it home. Together, they carefully preserved it in their daughter’s honour.
For Luke, it became another reminder that his connection to his daughter still existed.
“Grief therapy is often about helping people remember with more love than pain,” Gabriella said. “Luke had so many painful memories attached to his daughter’s death. The butterfly gave him another way to connect with her memory through love and meaning.”
Finding steadier ground
As Luke continued therapy, he became more open with his partner about his grief. He began to understand that silence was not protecting either of them from pain.
One of the most significant changes was the way he viewed his daughter’s memory. Earlier in therapy, thinking about her felt like a setback – as though he was falling back into depression. Over time, he came to understand that grief and recovery can exist side by side.
Remembering his daughter no longer feels like evidence that he is struggling. Instead, it has become part of maintaining a loving connection with her memory.
Luke has also noticed changes in his everyday life. When he feels overwhelmed at work, he is better able to pause, recognise what is happening, and respond with understanding rather than judgement.
“When I want to avoid something, like pushing through the grief alone, I do the opposite,” Luke said. “I tell people how I’m feeling.”
His progress is also reflected in clinical outcome measures. His DASS-21 and K10 (questionnaires designed to measure psychological distress) scores for depression, anxiety and stress reduced from the severe and extremely severe ranges to the moderate range.
Importantly, Luke’s suicidal thoughts have eased.
“The thoughts used to feel like a storm,” he said, “but now they feel like a breeze.”
Continuing the journey
Luke’s story is a reminder that grief does not need to be hidden, rushed, or solved in order to be survivable.
“Grief is still such a taboo topic, especially when it involves the death of a baby,” Gabriella said. “But there is hope. It’s not about getting over it. It’s about learning how to live your life again with more love than pain.”
Today, Luke is continuing to practise the skills he has learned, reconnecting with the people around him, and finding ways to honour his daughter’s memory in everyday life.
While his grief has not disappeared, Luke knows it no longer needs to be carried alone.
Start your mental health journey with Sonder
Sonder’s free mental health services in Adelaide and regional South Australia provide support, guidance, and practical strategies to help you manage challenges, build resilience, and improve your wellbeing.
Our experienced clinicians offer a safe and supportive space to help you make meaningful changes in your life.
Visit sonder.net.au/mental-health to learn more about our many services and programs, or contact your local Sonder centre to speak with a member of our friendly team.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a life-threatening situation, please call Emergency Services on 000.
If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, you can visit one of our walk-in mental health services as an alternative to the Emergency Department – Safe Haven in Salisbury, or Northern Adelaide Medicare Mental Health Centre in Elizabeth.
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*The name of the client has been changed for this story.
Northern Adelaide Medicare Mental Health Centre is provided by Sonder and funded by Adelaide PHN, the Australian Government and the Northern Adelaide Local Health Network.